Book ’Em, Ronno!

By the end of this year I will have been married to my wife for 24 years. There’s a theory floating around that says you will be an expert at anything after putting in 10,000 hours. What a bunch of hooey! After nearly a quarter-million hours of being with my wife, I don’t seem to know jack.

Lately, my wife and I have been on a new health kick. We rise at 4:30 every morning and go for a brisk walk. Now, I don’t know if that’s an indication that I’m approaching senior citizen status, but we feel pretty good doing it. It also gives us time alone where we can talk about anything. The other week my wife decided to speak about going on a diet.

Now, she eats very healthy and has eaten like a bird all her life. I don’t see where she needs to lose weight, but she’s convinced that she must drop a few pounds. Discussing this with her is like walking through a minefield: I’m in danger every step of the way. She told me she heard about this new diet called The 17 Day Diet. She said it sounded like an easy and reasonable way to go.

Fast forward to this past Sunday. We were at Ala Moana Center, and my wife and our 14-year-old daughter decided to go off on their own, so I went to my favorite hangout, Barnes & Noble bookstore. While in there, I actually saw the book The 17 Day Diet. I decided I would buy it for my wife. I would have been better off buying her the first season of The Biggest Loser on DVD.

When we met up later, I held up the bag and said, “I bought something for you!” The excited smile on her face turned to horror as she pulled out the book. Indignant, she exclaimed, “What are you trying to say, that I need to lose weight?” I was in a no-win situation and explained that I thought she wanted to go on this diet.

I then figured out this was the antimatter version of when your wife says not to buy her anything for her birthday. You better darn well buy her something. In this case, she said she wanted something and I should have not gotten it for her. I decided to return the book and try to exchange it for a copy of The 17 Days Of Sleeping On The Living Room Couch Diet.