At Your Disposal

“Ron, I need you!” Those are words that I believe most husbands would like to hear from their wives. That is, unless they are followed by these words, “The kitchen garbage disposal isn’t working.” Seems like my life lately has been in a constant state of disrepair. A few months ago it was our cars, weeks ago our garage door opener and now this.

My first assumption was that someone tried to put something down the drain that they shouldn’t. Since my wife was in the closest proximity, she took it that I meant her. Big mistake on my part, so I started the repair diagnostics on the wrong foot, so to speak, or in this case, the wrong hand.

Like TV commercial disclaimers say, don’t try this at home. Actually, everything I’ve read says never to put your hand into the sink disposal. Since I lack a certain degree of common sense, that’s the first thing I did. Someone had emptied our dog Buddy’s food dish, so the drain was filled with chunks and bits of both wet and dry dog food. We always do that, so I didn’t think that was the cause of the stoppage.

However, it was the cause for me to be unable to pull my hand out. The dog food acted like a wedge and took up all the space around my hand so that I could not get it out. Now, when your hand is stuck in the grinding mechanism of a sink disposal, you suddenly have a huge wave of paranoia, which results in massive anxiety.

All I could do was keep my eye on the activation switch to ensure that no one or nothing got near it. I slowly composed myself and started to work my hand in a twisting motion in an effort to release it from the sink. Just then, my mom walked into the kitchen, asking why it was so dark, and she reached for the light switch.

While the light switch is nowhere near the disposal activation switch, I wanted no electricity generated in any kitchen device on the chance it would jump circuits. I yelled out, “Ma, no, don’t turn on that switch!” She just looked at me and flipped it on.

Of course nothing happened except that I had a knee-jerk reaction and pulled my hand free of the sink. I decided to leave the repair to an expert, and the next use of my hand was to dial a phone.