In The Moment

I would like to commission some doctors and scientists to do a study on the way my wife thinks.

The problem with that is I don’t have a billion dollars to pay for it. I mean, the way my wife thinks is so complex that it might be easier and cheaper to build a time machine. That way I can travel back in time to prevent my younger self from getting into the trouble that I do.

For instance, we’ll be watching a brand-new episode of some movie or TV show. We are looking at the same screen at the same time, when she’ll turn and ask me, “Where did that guy get the murder weapon from?” as if I somehow have some inside knowledge from the scriptwriters of the show.

Of course, I reply, “Honey, how the heck should I know? Aren’t we watching the exact same show?”

This is always the wrong answer, and then I’m left watching the rest of the program by myself.

That in itself might not be a bad thing, but I digress. Then there’s the afterthought panic checks.

Every time we go out — and I mean every time — as I’m pulling away from the garage, my wife will ask one of two things, “Did I turn off the stove?” or “Did I unplug my curling iron?”

I kid you not, no matter how much time I give her to get ready, when we are driving away from the house, she will ask one of those two questions.

My answer is, “I don’t know, I wasn’t there when you were done using it.”

That means I have to turn around and go back to check or she’ll be so worried and paranoid about it that we’ll never enjoy our outing.

The other day when this happened for the 723,249th time, I calmly offered this advice, “How about when you’re done using the stove you verify right then and there that you’ve turned it off. Same for the curling iron, unplug it when you’re done using it.”

She looked at me and I saw her eyes look up to the right as she contemplated my simple but brilliant suggestion.

Then she said, “Since you know that I’ll always ask you if I did those things after we’ve left the house, why don’t you check it before we leave the house so I don’t have to worry about it?”

I was going to reply with some sharp quip, but I didn’t have a mouth as my head just exploded.